On Saying "Yes" Again...
- Nidhi Paralikar
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
When I was in college, I was quite introverted. Then one day, someone approached me and said they knew I write and blog. They asked if I'd be interested in working on a play with them. I said yes.
That yes led to co-writing and directing two one-act plays. The person and I formed a group. We got involved in short film making and YouTube content too. The good was really good. Early morning rehearsals, finishing lectures and rushing backstage, using my home as a shoot location, conversations over chai and lunch dabbas, the brainstorming sessions that stretched late into the evening. I was discovering my creative voice through these mediums, finding parts of myself I didn't know existed.
But the bad was... It took a toll on my health. Interpersonal dynamics and creative differences, managing everyone's big egos (including mine), being dominated creatively, it was a hit to my self-image. Knowing that you are not valued while running the set/rehearsal is very difficult to navigate. My mental health suffered - I had to get diagnosed and go on immediate medications. Eventually, I couldn't continue.
During my masters, I turned my complete focus towards academics. I learned writing and editing as part of my coursework in English literature. But theatre and filmmaking still did not leave my side. When we had to choose between the two for an elective, I chose theatre. My professor, Dr. Shweta Kapoor, made it one of the most enriching experiences during my masters. She was a professor who genuinely loved teaching and loved the subject she was teaching.
My masters ended and I started working as a freelance book and literary content editor. Work I truly enjoy, even today. Then COVID happened. Lockdown led to many people finding their way back to art, movies, recorded dramas, music - for comfort. During the lockdown, I directed two monologues remotely for a local theatre group.
But there was a deep-seated emptiness that kept burying itself deeper within me. There were no specific moments when I felt it most acutely. Just an underlying sadness and a feeling that pieces of me were missing.
I did not know myself and did not know how to start the journey of becoming either. I felt like a stringless kite, just floating around wherever the wind took me. I kept going though, lying to others and myself. All my research interests, my hobbies kept looping me back to the world of theatre and films. I would read about performance, stumble upon articles about experimental theatre, find myself watching behind-the-scenes footage of films. The pull never stopped. I kept returning to the same place.
In October 2024, a primary school teacher from my school reached out to me. She had heard somewhere that I had worked with writing and performance and wanted me to help write and set a one-act play for an interschool competition. Honestly, it felt like a sign. I did not have great memories of my school days. The few that I did, this teacher was standing up for me in those.
I said yes. [You can read more about the effect it had on me here.] I was all smiles - inspired and motivated - throughout the process. I found some old Instagram stories I used to put up each morning before leaving for rehearsals:
I stopped fighting the universe and gave in. I wanted to continue doing this work. I found a diploma in applied theatre that I could pursue. The Diploma in Applied Theatre offered by Applied Theatre India Foundation offered one of my interest areas as a module: theatre in education. I said yes once again.
For the next six months, from each module to the next, I made it a point to show up. I had walked into it with curiosity and I wanted to walk out with a toolbox. Theatre of the Oppressed, Playback Theatre, Theatre in Education, Storytelling... so much to learn! Each module I kept going deeper into myself and kept showing up with the most honest version of myself. My fellow-students and the kind of safe space that was created by the facilitators, especially Ravi and Radhika who led the Theatre of the Oppressed and Playback modules respectively, made personal authenticity seem easy. Srividya, who facilitated the Theatre in Education module brought back colours and the love for theory back in my life.
On the other side, I was finding new friends. I was hosting my partner's friend who was visiting my city. The three of us sat talking late into the night and he insisted that I should get back into filmmaking as a medium and that he would help. He is someone I trust. He is someone who is kind and empathetic. We share common interests in mythological stories and lore. I knew he meant every word even as he was saying it. The earnest tone stayed with me. Stays with me even today. I said "it's not for me" and kept quiet.
Then I met a lovely couple. She is a cinematographer, someone who used to stay in my town all her life but we only met now. Someone I now consider a very close friend. I never have to worry about who I am around her. The conversations and comfort are so free flowing! He is a filmmaker. Whenever we meet, our conversations naturally go towards storytelling. Around a month ago, I got a call from him that he'd like to do a brainstorming session. I said yes again. We are now in the process of writing the script.
The past is coming up and hitting me like a brick wall every day. It is a moment of panic that spirals before I know it, my chest feels knotted and the negative voices grow louder and louder. I have to journal about it, remind myself that I have grown and the people I am working with now are different. They have time and again shown that they value my inputs. Sometimes I just have to sit with those feelings and then power through.
But the journey feels so good! It is totally worth the panicky moments. I am scared. I am anxious. I am fighting past demons. I am happy. I am excited. I am jittery. All at the same time. And I am looking forward to what each new day brings! This is what saying "yes" looks like. Not clean, not easy, not without weight. But mine.
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